Baby A

I never walk away from a birth without some sort of life lesson. A week and a half ago, I learned yet another valuable lesson.

Meet beautiful Baby A, born still.

I won’t lie, I was downright terrified about being at a birth where I knew the baby had already died. I had no clue how I would react, or what I would do in my role as a doula. There was no way this could possibly be the same as any other birth. Yet, it kind of was.

The day was long, with moments of humour to fill the silence. The advocating was furiously strong for mom’s wishes to be met. My job remained the same, look out for mom as best as possible in this given situation of pure agony. This time it just wasn’t a physically agony. It was an emotional one.

The time came when Baby A was born, without sound or breath. I took my first look at her and without a doubt realized this was not an occasion to fear. She was sweet, with tiny curls of hair. She was over 6lbs. She was a beauty.

We took pictures of her, ooh’ed and aah’ed over her tiny features and long fingers. Everyone took turns holding her. We spent hours together, mom, baby, friends, doula. I left the hospital, hours later, expecting a full sobbing crying shit show on my way home. Instead, it was kind of like the same vibe I get at any other birth. I was starving. I was sore. I was exhausted. I even got up and went to work on like four hours sleep. Typical doula day.

The next day I went back for a visit at the hospital, I noticed mom had put pillows beside Baby A when she wasn’t being held. So instinctual. Like any mom with a new baby would do. Just a typical reaction to a typical situation.

Well, that did it for me. (Shit show sobbing took place as soon as I got home)
It doesn’t matter how your baby is born, every mom has a bit of anxiety that they won’t know what to do.
That mothering instinct that new moms always fear they won’t have is always there. Always. Birth is never something to be feared.

Born still, but still born…and protected by her mother’s instincts.

~ Wendy ~

Selfish Games

I was part of a conversation last week where one participant was very adamant that becoming a parent makes you less selfish. As I stare at my secret stash of junk food, hidden safely in my room, I beg to differ.

Parenting definitely does not make you less selfish.

It makes you greedy. Greedy for uninterrupted quite time. Greedy for peeing alone. Greedy for watching adult television shows. Does it make you more patient? Maybe. More caring? Perhaps. Less selfish? Absolutely not. Maybe it’s the only-child part of me, but if parenting has taught me anything…it’s to hide my nice stuff. I’m not sharing my nice blanket, the good chocolate or the fancy shampoo. I have flat-out lied to my kids for some peace and quite. Sorry, I can’t pick you up…I’m on my way to a doula appointment. Oh, I would run you lunch money but I’m on my way to the hospital. I’m sorry you had to make your own breakfast…I was just so tired from doula-ing all night. Hugs and kisses…thanks for letting me sleep!

The way I see it, I’m just helping them spread their wings for when I push them from the nest into a world where no one shares their junk food with you either. It’s MINE.